I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
