I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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