I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
