I think I won the penis lottery.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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