i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
