Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
