i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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