So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
