In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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