I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
