You're my little dorito
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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