Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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