My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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