a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
