You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
