She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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