If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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