Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize
