please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
