There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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