Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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