a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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