i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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