My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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