Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
