I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize