if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
