I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
