I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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