so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
