I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize