I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He shit in the fireplace
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
