So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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