haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
