So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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