I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
