oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
