Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
