I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
