I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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