she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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