My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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