we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
