whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
