You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
