I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
