There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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