Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
