I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
