he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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