my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Send help, water and tortillas.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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