Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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