it's too hot outside to masturbate.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
