Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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