I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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