my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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