I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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