Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
