Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
